You know the scene. Pain-loving sub acts out to their Dom(me) in the hope that they’ll get some dealt some pain as punishment. It’s a tale as old as time itself.
Of course this is often accepted and encouraged behaviour; S&M role-play, teasing foreplay and so on. They might well get what they’re hoping for, and then some. It’s all part of the elaborate dance we do that gets everyone what they want.
Now, I very much subscribe to the school of ‘positive reinforcement’ as my style of dominance. However, there may be times when I’ve exhausted all my carrots and all I’ve got left are sticks. Sometimes a sub really DOES deserve to be punished… sometimes there’s being bratty, and then there’s being persistently badly behaved. For a sub with particular likes and dislikes, a punishment might be pretty easy enough to deliver. However, when you’ve got a misbehaving submissive on your hands that absolutely thrives on agony, being treated like shit and generally will enjoy pretty much everything you could throw at them… What do you do?
It’s worth noting now that within an established respect-filled dynamic, a few choice words may be all it takes to rectify a slave’s bad behaviour. This blog is instead mainly for the casual players, for the new dominants, for the ones who are just beginning a relationship where their own special little brat is already working out what they can get away with. For the ones who stand there slightly perplexed as your attempts to get them to behave results in gasps of pleasure. What do you do? The answer is simple:
Don’t give your sub what they want
Whatever our role, we all do it for our satisfaction- whether to fulfil our need to control or be controlled, to suffer or to hurt, to fuck or be fucked. Ideally that satisfaction is mutual, and both parties get what they want. Happy days.
Denial of their side of the deal is the basis of effective punishment.
This is pretty obvious. Withholding sex from a hungry bottom, putting your trainers back on for a foot loving slave – even a sub obviously angling to have the shit beaten out of them can be told that they won’t be getting a thing.
However, denial is a kink of its own – it is rooted within the transfer of control. You can give, and you can take away. Being told you can’t do something by someone in power is hot. It’s horny, it turns you on when you know you don’t get what you want.
By that logic, denial alone can still be seen as a secondary channel of satisfaction for a sub, a Plan B in their ruse. They still get something they want, so is it still a punishment?
I don’t think it is. Doubly so if your sub thrives on denial and neglect, you’ve given them EXACTLY what they want.
So we’re in the situation that if you do something they want, they love it. If you don’t do something they want, they still love it. What do we do? I’ll tell you.
Give your sub what they want, badly. On purpose.
Yes, that’s right. Here it is, the key takeaway. I want you to dom your misbehaving sub badly. On purpose. And make sure they know it.
Kink is full of paradoxes, and here’s another one – if you’re domming badly to get the result you want, then you’re domming well. In fact I’d say you’re domming excellently.
Now, this isn’t ‘badly’ in the sense of doing something carelessly, or with less safety in mind. If anything, this is done with tactical precision. Pinpointing exactly the elements that take what they want, and giving it to them in a way that breeds anything but satisfaction.
Most of this approach plays upon the psychological aspect of fetish; of mindsets, of expectation and of established ways of doing things. It is about subverting them, trashing them in a controlled manner, and not only refusing to give what they want, but expending their horny energy in getting there.
It is then about choosing the right moment to reveal that no, you’re not a shit dominant, but actually you’re toying with the sub as punishment for whatever their wrongdoing may be.
Any dominant can take multiple aspects of this approach, and systemically convert what should be a horny scene into one that generates only frustration, anger, a lack of fulfilment and general dissatisfaction. When your ruse is revealed, this crystallises in the mind as a learning experience. Regardless, your goal is to make the delivery of their ideal session deeply dissatisfying until they’ve learn their lesson.
Know your sub’s favourite things? Let’s do a joyful rundown of ways to ruin them! (Subs, please direct your hate-mail to my social media profiles, where I shall gleefully quote you.)
How to punish your sub, one mediocre delivery of their favourite fetish at a time:
How to punish masochists
Let’s do this one first – punishing when pain is anything but a punishment. With impact play subs it’s actually a relatively easy task:
Masochists long for a headspace, they want to feel the pain build, to be taken further and further, to suffer for their dominant. Begin to work them over, let them think they’re getting what they want for a few blissful moments, let that headspace start to show through, until it just.. doesn’t go anywhere.
Are they still enjoying it? Reduce the intensity. Throw in a few intentional mis-hits, stop and start, and steadfastly refuse to enter any form of rhythm they can latch onto. Throw in a bit of verbal wildly out-of-step with the intensity, that they can’t honestly respond to.
God that was shit wasn’t it? Gloriously shit. Why not tell them how gloriously shit that was? Let them know you meant every single crappy moment, before you ramp it up again. It’s like edging, but not even edging. The only moans you’ll get are ones asking for it to stop.
Other forms of masochism tend to follow a similar tack. A masochist mainly wants a pleasurable level of intensity to get off on and to show their suffering. Whether it’s torturing the nipples, or crushing the balls, or whatever else – just… don’t give it to them. Tweak those nipples ineffectively, crush those balls for not quite long or hard enough. Turn on the electro but nowhere near high enough to do anything more than just be felt. Ugh, so UNFULFILLING.
Tie a nice psychological ribbon around your shitty gift by whispering “Oh yeah, you like that don’t you?”, while fully knowing that you’re only giving half what they wish you were giving. Mis-targeted verbal is a powerful tool in making sure not only the body but the mind is also frustrated as fuck. Toy with them, let your words drip with sarcasm as you delight in being the best-worst dominant there is.
How to punish bondage freaks and deprivation fetishists
Bondage is the usual physical counterpart to the psychological control that comes with a kink D/s dynamic. Now, the effect here will depend on just how much of a bondage freak you’re dealing with. The more they’re into it, the more they crave OTT total-no-way-out hardcore immobilising restraint, the easier it is going to be fuck that up completely. On purpose, of course.
It’s pretty simple – just tie them up in a way that they’ll know they can get out very quickly indeed. If your sub is a fan of the over-the-top immobilisation, even just a slightly loose restraint might well be enough to sow the seeds of discontent.
Bondage often comes hand-in-hand with some element of sensory deprivation. Denial is the absolute opposite of punishment to a sub that thrives on being allowed nothing. Deprivation fetishes are fuelled by 100% headspace, so to punish is to disrupt the supply of that fuel.
Deprive them of their sight, but not completely. Just letting that bit of light in one corner. Oh how FRUSTRATING. As you deprive them of their ability to speak… just leave that gag a bit loose, so they know they could spit it out if they wanted. Oh you’re doing headphones too? Put that white noise on at a completely ineffective level. Denied, but with distractions present at every step of the way. Fuel disrupted.
Deprivation fetishists are like the worst poker players in the world too, non-verbal tells come thick and fast, even with a sub clad from head to toe in featureless black rubber. If they’re dropping into a headspace despite all those distractions; if the head is starting to drop, or a more purposeful position is being subtly entered into – this is the perfect time to go check on them.
As there is no sensation to distract from the frustrated thoughts, it’s entirely likely that these will bubble up very quickly in your unknowingly-punished sub, so checking on them is the ideal time to let them in on what’s happening and make it abundantly clear that this what they get when they’re being a disobedient little shit.
How to punish a piggy
I’m going to pull together various fetishes here – those united by the adoration of smells, filth and sleaze. Whether watersports, sneaker fetishists or sweat pigs – the approach is the same. Don’t deny it, just ruin it.
Your sock-adoring sub acting out? Give them your foot, one inhale – and as they do it… *pssh* a quick blast of Febreze right where they were sniffing. Quick, brutal, effective. They may look at you like you just ran over their dog. Remind them if they don’t want to see the other go the same way, they might want to behave.
The same approach can be taken for the rest. A blast of deodorant, a large glug of Coke Zero down your urinal’s funnel. When it comes to watersports, carefully treading the line between denial and provision of your piss can be a tricky one…. but again it’s making it frustrating. Piss on a foot when they’re expecting a full golden shower. Intentionally miss their mouth or face. Waste it, but in a way that doesn’t look like you’re doing it on purpose.
How to punish bottoms and more
Similar to the masochism I started this list with, good sex breeds a good mindset, and builds up as the scene goes along. So taking a similar approach – it’s all about giving a shit shag that fails to trigger those thoughts and feelings.
Go too slow, don’t go deep enough, and remember to sound like you’re really enjoying it. Of course, this only works if you’ve actually had sex before. Otherwise they’ll probably just think you ARE that bad in bed. Granted deciding to have sex for the first time as wilful punishment would certainly be a choice.
Let’s finish off with humiliation fetishists – who obviously want to feel the rush of being humiliated – whether in private or public. if they enjoy being exposed or shown off online – go to all the trouble of setting up a scene that you have told them will be videoed for posting later.
Film the video, post the video on social media, let a couple of people see it at most, let your sub get excited- then simply delete it. Denial, but with extra steps.
In conclusion, be a dick if you have to be.
As I say, I don’t tend to use punishment within my own approach to play. I am very discerning when it comes to who i play with, and subs rarely require more than minor correction. However I’ve had persistent subs that don’t seem to know when their lovable brat personal blends into an annoying antagonistic presence. So having these little ideas on hand might seem utterly evil, but if the alternative is your sub getting the other hand – then it’s time to declare war!
Don’t forget you can just keep adding elements of various fetishes until the sub cracks. Everything you do, delivered with the perfect amount of underwhelming mediocrity – layer it up.
I hope you enjoyed reading, or indeed hated every moment of it. Needless to say, I fully expect the next generation of subs will have mastered this too, and dominants will have to go even further to win in this game of fetish brinkmanship.